Monday 20 October 2014

Who Dash Monkey Banana?


If you have had the privilege of visiting a zoo before I am sure you know, first hand, that monkeys prefer bananas to other fruits. Banana which is botanically known as Musa spp. gives them a special kind of highness or frenzy. When you approach their cage with a finger of banana it’s as though you have brought them bliss. They begin to salivate even when they know that the finger of banana in your hand may not be for them.

Depending on the state you reside, with as low as N 50, you can afford banana but it’s not the same for monkeys. They either have to steal it from the banana farm or wait until the god of banana touches the hearts of men to want to give them some. So for them, banana is not easy to come by but they dream and even talk about it in their sleep.

It is from this craze for bananas displayed by monkeys that Nigerians coined the term “Who dash monkey banana” and here is an instance of how the term can be used:

Akpan and Joy are best of friends on campus and as a matter of fact their friendship began from home. So, they knew each other very well. One cloudy evening, they decided to hang out in their favourite spot on campus. Akpan arrived there earlier because to him everyman should arrive first in a date. While Joy was still painting her face and throwing skirts and blouses out her box not sure of which to wear, it began to rain.

They later met after the rain stopped and when Joy tried to apologize to Akpan for her lateness the following conversation ensued:
Akpan:  (Holding her hands in the most amusing way) I should be the one apologizing to you. I should have come to pick you up when I saw the rain coming but my private parachute developed some technical faults.
Joy: (bending over in laughter) who dash monkey banana!

I am sure you understand? Akpan may have desired to have a private parachute for reasons best known to him but at that moment, Joy knew that he didn’t even have a private keke napep.

The rate at which some con men peddle herbal drugs in public places these days is becoming alarming. We know that things are hard and everybody is trying to have something to present to the stomach when it yawns but should you rather do that to the detriment of public safety.

One would jejely board a vehicle only for one merchant of herbs and roots to jump up from nowhere displaying bottles containing all kinds of concoctions and deafening your eardrums with his high-pitch voice. He won’t stop at that. He would literary go as far as poking your eyes with a concoction on display and tell you it cures syphilis, gonorrhea, diabetes, pile, PID, asthma and ‘toilet infection’. Na who dash monkey banana! How can a particular mixture cure PID, gonorrhea and syphilis all at the same time? We must be living in Venus!

Please when you encounter such persons don’t listen to them.

Things are no more as they used to be and for this reason we all have to be careful with everything we take or use on our body.
My paternal grandmother (God bless her soul) once told me that in her days when a child is, for instance, suffering from diarrhea all that the mother needed to do is fetch the appropriate herbs from the forest, boil it very well and give it to the child and in a twinkling the child will join other children in the play ground. But my dear, you better not try that now because your child might just shit until his intestines screams kilode!

Some persons may have testified to the efficacy of some herbal mixtures because to them just a cup of dogonyaro- Neem (Azadirachta indica) or agbo their malaria vamoosed overnight. Yeah! The malaria may have been chased away by just that cup of dogonyaro or agbo drink but do you consider what the drink may have done to your kidney or liver?

An herbal doctor sells an herbal concoction to you and ask you to mix it with a bottle of ogogoro in a coke bottle. He then tells you to drink a cup of the mixture in the morning and another at night. For crying out loud where did he get the dosage prescription from? If you listen to him you might as well be taking a leap in the dark.

This is 21st century.  Anytime you notice something strange with the working mechanism of your body quickly go and see a doctor. It will not take you much. By the time you keep delaying and consuming these concoctions because they are cheap or because Iya Risi told you that it worked for her, the disease could get worse and by that time you will have no other option than to go to the hospital. And after the doctor have investigated you he will tell you ‘’Madam/Oga, your condition is now critical and we don’t handle such cases here but you can go to Congo ‘cause they have the capacity to handle your case to the letter.” Imagine the stress and the money you are now going to spend just because you listened to that merchant of herbs.

When next they come to you and begin to speak their language, simply tell them ‘who dash monkey banana’ and walk away.

To read more about herbal mixtures click here.

If you have anything to add to the discussion, I would love to hear your thoughts.


  1. I was cracking up when I read this post. When I was back home I never used to buy those concoctions they sell on the i knew better then.

    1. Lol...They should not be trusted at all. Thanks so much for being there, effortless lady.

  2. Lol @ who dash monkey banana - my grandfather used to say that I lot. I don't understand why they love banana so much - we have a pet monkey back home ( can't believe it's 28 now) and we used to feed it a lot of banana when we were still there - hope they still feed it.

    Apparently, they say dogoyanroooo is good as it's effective in treating malaria - thanks for telling us about the side effects. Never used to and will never patronise all these people that sell herbs. How are you Chris? So happy you blog frequently now :)

    1. I am doing great, dearie. And you?
      You should be ready to feed that monkey lots of banana this December.
      Have a blessed weekend

  3. This is very funny. So banana has all these health benefits? You have really increase my knowledge.

    1. Thanks for your time, Kelv.
      But please do me the favour of reading the piece. It's worth the price. Big ups!

  4. Preach! What annoys me the most is that they claim these things have no side effects.

    1. It's more than annoying, Ada nne. Thanks for coming around, dear.


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